That Which We Survive
by Lanie McCoy
Summary: When all is said and done and the ashes have fallen over misdeeds, every once in a great while, we are given a chance to rectify our errors. Sequel to Winter After Impact.
1. Accidental Aftermath

**Disclaimer: I don't own Yuu Yuu Hakusho. Though I do think thorned roses are pretty.**

**A shout out to Perfect Oblivion for being cool. This chapter is dedicated to Broken Angel of Light for asking for a sequel.**

**Note: when parenthesis surround a name, they indicate point of view [i.e., _(Kurama) _indicates Kurama's point of view]. Otherwise, they represent normal parenthesis as you would find in a published work, NOT author notes.**

**Timeline: this story takes place a week or so after _Winter After Impact. _Why? Because I said so, dammit. Do you people need a reason for _everything!?_**

_That Which We Survive_

_Make the return to  
Reality and then we cry  
For all we have lost  
And forgotten  
But tortured is the soul who  
Forgets  
Nothing_

—[no title] Kooriya Yui

_Chapter One: Accidental Aftermath_

_(Third Person)_

"It's gone. They're all gone. Nothing's left. It's all gone. It's all gone away. There's nothing to do. But they could come back one day. They'll come back and everything will be okay… But they won't, will they…"

It was a sad sight. Yuusuke felt worse than he ever had as he watched it.

The entire group of them—Yuusuke, Keiko, Yukina, Kuwabara, Botan, and Koenma—had all been staying at Genkai's temple for the last week, awaiting Genkai's return, though they knew it would not be for at least a month. Botan and Koenma used most of their time to examine the spot on the mountainside where Hiei and Kurama had…gone away (for none of them could bring themselves to say the word "suicide") or filing paperwork. Botan even tried a few times to invent new ways for the two to return to the living realm successfully, but none of them made any sense. Because, like it or not—and they certainly did not—there was no way to revive someone who did not want to be brought back, and suicide was the final frontier.

Kuwabara spent his days trying to console both Yukina and himself. He once or twice challenged Yuusuke to a casual bout, the way they had done all their lives before, but neither of them really wanted to, and Yuusuke never accepted.

Keiko cried often. They all wondered how she could have so many tears.

Yuusuke didn't have the heart to do much of anything but work the unworkable job of getting things back to normal. Shiori still didn't know that her precious Shuuichi was gone and never coming back—she thought he had gone, and still was, on a long trip to a foreign country with his friends, as had been the story to let Kurama out of the house for the mission—and Yuusuke felt it was his responsibility to tell her. Kuwabara was at a precarious halfway point between utter misery and delusional happiness, and Yuusuke felt it was his job to get his friend out of it. Keiko didn't seem to want any help, but spent her days crying or walking in the woods, where roses that grew there made her cry even more, and all Yuusuke could do was hug her from time to time and wish he could do more. Koenma and Botan pretended everything was businesslike and professional, but Yuusuke heard Botan crying at night sometimes, and he felt it was up to him to help her feel better.

Yukina no longer blamed herself for her dear brother's death, but now felt it was her fault Kurama had left them, because she had spent so much time blaming him. She was staggering down a wavering line separating clarity and insanity, and Yuusuke worried she would…be next.

She spent most of her days whispering sweet nonsense about how "they" were gone, and sometimes how "they" would come back someday. The part about it that tore Yuusuke's heart in two was that she obviously believed that Hiei and Kurama might come back. But he could never bring himself to speak to her.

He was too depressed.

They were all too depressed.

And, deep down, they all shared one thing that they shouldn't have had to, and they often pretended it wasn't there.

They were all insane.

Even just a little.

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_(Hiei)_

I watched them. They didn't know; they could have sensed it, I'm sure, but they were too distraught.

I often wondered why. I knew the answer; thought I did, at least. They missed Kurama. Maybe they even missed me, a little. Sometimes. But they cried because they missed Kurama.

I hadn't run into him, and I wondered why, but it didn't matter. He would be looking for me, and he would find me, because that was how Kurama worked. He found what he sought. There was no barrier of different realms to cross; we were both here, in Reikai. I knew he was here somewhere. With the toddler gone, the realm was all in disarray, and no one would have allowed Kurama or me judgment, or opportunity to pass into his or my death.

Once, I thought I felt him watching me, but it couldn't have been him. He would have come over and talked to me. It was his way.

I found myself wishing it was him, though. I wanted him to come talk to me. I couldn't admit it out loud, but I wanted a friend up here, where no one wanted to be mine.

I watched Yuusuke as he walked over to the tree where Yukina used to sit, between the time of my death and the time of Kurama's. He was suffering.

The oaf tried to comfort my sister, but to no avail. He was too depressed himself to be of much use to her. I wanted to tear them apart, to protect her from his idiocy, but I knew I couldn't. Shouldn't.

The toddler and his pet ferry fool put on a cheerful face, but I saw what no one else did. I saw them vainly try to comfort each other and cry themselves to sleep at night.

My sister…she was the one I pitied most of all. For I believe she, out of all of them, only she wished that I was not gone away. The others missed Kurama, but she missed us both, and I would have cried for her if I could.

"Are you going to keep on torturing yourself like this forever?"

"I don't see how it's any concern of yours."

"Oh, but you are my best friend, and I am making it my concern."

"Hn."

Kurama sat down next to me with a small laugh. "I think I'm the only person in all of three realms who can interpret your language correctly, Hiei. Perhaps I should write a book. I could make a fortune."

"I have no language."

"That's not true," Kurama said, chuckling again. "I could write the book, "The Art of Interpreting 'Hn,'" and then you would see. You do have a language. Or maybe I should make it my job to teach you to use words."

I stared out into the vastness of space, the uninspired expanse of nothingness that was the sky. Yukina was sitting below where I rested, whispering to herself that we would return. The others had gone inside.

"Why?"

Kurama looked at me. "Well, it would be quite useful, don't you think? For the only person in all the realms who could understand something to write a book allowing other people to understand it, too."

I shook my head. "Not that."

He looked out at the sky where I looked, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw comprehension dawn on him. He waited, though, and I did not ask again.

"…I don't know."

"That's wrong," I accused. "You had a reason. You wouldn't have done it otherwise."

He paused again, and I wondered if I had said or done something wrong. Then I realized that it didn't matter.

Kurama lay back against the sky, folding his hands behind his head and laying in them. His eyes still had the electric green glitter they always had. But…more so.

As I watched, a tear fell. More followed it.

"I didn't think it through, I suppose. I didn't think of all the people I would miss, all the things I would never get to see, or do, or say. Or…anything…"

My gaze softened then, I think. "Regret?"

Kurama nodded. "It's funny," he said, though to me, it did not seem funny at all. "I never make rash decisions. Never did. I never had, before this. But now I feel regret, and it's a new sensation. I recognize it, though…a deep heaviness in my heart, that I wish would just go away…"

The glitter was gone from his eyes, and I realized it had just been the tears before they fell. Now the green was not electric, but dull, flat, emeralds that needed to be shined.

"You shouldn't have done it."

"I know…" His voice broke and another few tears fell. It almost made me pity him.

But then I remembered it was his fault he was here in the first place.

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_(Yuusuke)_

Yukina was a mess, and I didn't know how much longer I could stand to see her like that. Not very, I guessed.

"Hiei, why did you leave, dammit?" I asked, not really expecting a response, but knowing that maybe, just maybe, he was watching over us, and he would hear me. "Why did you do this to us? Why did you hurt us like this?"

I'm not that afraid of looking unmanly. I've cried before; a few times. I couldn't count them all for you, but I have done it, I know it. I cried over Hiei. I cried over Kurama, too, but by the pain was dulled a little and I didn't have all that many tears left. I was crying now.

"We're falling apart, Hiei," I mumbled to the sky. Then, suddenly overcome by a rush of inexplicable fury: "And it's all your fucking _fault!_"

I felt a small jerk of youki right then; it was weird, like whatever was emitting it had just moved, and then stopped. But then something happened, and I was sure he was watching us.

There were flowers growing in Genkai's garden. Kurama had tended to them, really well, and since this is Kurama we're talking about, there were roses. Real pretty ones, dark red. Yukina loved them best. I probably wouldn't say it, but I liked to look at them from time to time.

One of the roses, on the line closest to me, bent over slightly, then the stalk snapped in two and it fell to the ground. A light wind blew over the blossom, and it stopped when it hit my shoe. It could have been a natural thing, but somehow I connected the little burst of youki with the rose, and I knew.

"It's still all your fault, man," I said to the sky. But I picked up the flower anyway, and put it in my pocket.

I heard a door open and then slide shut, and I looked over. Yukina was walking down the steps, Kuwabara at her side, holding her hand. They were talking quietly, and I jogged over.

"Hey guys." My mood was falsely lighthearted. They knew it, and so did I, but we were depressed and we went with it.

"Better not get too close, Urameshi, or I just might pound the shit out of you," Kuwabara flaunted, showing off his biceps for Yukina, who smiled.

"Come on, Kuwabara, we all know that's a load of crap." I waved my arm dismissively. "Hey Yukina. I don't understand why you hang out with this lummox so much, but I guess to each his own, or something like that. Right?"

Her laugh was tinny and small. "Right," she said with a too-bright smile.

I fished around in my pocket and withdrew the rose. "Here." I handed it to Yukina, and she took it curiously.

"Did you pick this from the garden, Yuusuke-san? You don't normally do things like that; was something wrong?"

Of course something's wrong, Yukina, but I won't be the one to say it. "It had fallen over on itself," I said, leaving out the part about the phantom youki and what I sensed had been Hiei. "I picked it up off the ground."

"Oh. Well, thank you, Yuusuke-san!" She nestled it behind her ear.

"…But that's the one thing I don't understand," came Botan's voice from the doorway as she and Koenma walked outside. "It doesn't make any sense, and he always makes sense."

Koenma had the audacity to look exasperated. "We've been over this, Botan."

"I know, I know, but still. I just don't get it."

"I don't get a lot of things about that man; this is just one of them."

I don't get a lot of things about Kurama, either.

But by the gods above and the demons below, I wish, I wish I got this one.

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_(Kurama)_

"It's not as though any of them miss me, but they all miss you. Why'd you do it?"

"Because _I _missed you, dammit!"

Hiei let the conversation lull for a long minute, eying me in what I would call a suspicious fashion. How very odd.

"You did not."

"I did! I missed you, they missed you, we all did! They still do, and Hiei, I swear, if you think they don't, then you're not half as smart as I've always given you credit for. They want you back!"

"They want you back, too."

I was raging, I knew, but I think I simply needed to get it out of my system.

"Hiei, why did you do it? I know why I did, and I regret it more than I've ever regretted anything in my life. I've never regretted anything in my life, you know. But I do this. But you, Hiei, why did _you_ do it?"

"I thought—"

"Wait." I raised my hand. "If you're going to feed me some drivel about how your life didn't have meaning any longer, stop right there. Yukina doesn't think that's so. I don't think that's so. If nothing else, she needs you. I needed you. If everyone down there would clear their heads for a moment, they would blame you for my death, and they would be right."

"She doesn't—"

"More lies, Hiei! She does need you! She knows you're her brother now, Hiei, did you forget that that's what started all this in the first place? She may have her friends, she may have people who love and protect her, she may have Kuwabara—don't deny it, he's devoted to her—but now she knows her brother, her _brother,_ is dead! Not just her friend Hiei. Her _brother_ Hiei!

"Do you know what she told me? A few times, in fact. She told me she wished you were her brother."

I had stopped him then, I knew. He paused, frozen in midair for a moment before looking down at her, a soft shimmer in his eyes. It blended oddly with his usual sharp glare.

"I wonder why she didn't ever tell you. I think perhaps she assumed it would turn you away, or make you uncomfortable. She really does care for you, you know."

Rambling on, I didn't try to stop myself. Talking helped distract from the awkwardness that would await Koenma's return to Reikai and thereby, our judgment and placement, and from my steadily growing senses of guilt and regret.

"I also think she has an idea that you really are her brother. Your eyes are the same—you two are so similar, physically, and complete opposites in every other way, as many twins are. Twins are either quite the same, or exactly opposite from each other, for instance the fact that you control fire and she controls ice. It's interesting, biologically and psychologically, don't you think? Not to mention an interesting thing to observe normally. She'd have to have made the connection, I believe. She's smart, very much so. It's quite obvious when you just think about it."

"Kurama, shut up."

I should have, would have expected him to say such a thing if I were not so distracted by my inner turmoil.

"She's crying," he whispered. I looked down in time to see the sun reflect off of a beautifully perfect hiruseiki stone, which had just fallen to the dirt of the yard.

If you asked me when Hiei realized how much our friends really did miss him, I would tell you it was just then.

I took his hand and glided down, through the roof and into the shrine, to where Yuusuke and Keiko sat on a tatami, before a small and very controlled fire. Keiko cried into Yuusuke's chest, and every once in awhile, a tear would fall from behind his closed eyes, as well. Kuwabara knelt before the fire opposite them, his eyes closed, as well, and his hands pressed together in prayer.

Keiko was murmuring softly.

"Why did Hiei have to go? That's what started all this, that's when everything went so wrong…and I miss him so much… And Kurama, why isn't he here? He should be here to talk logically about everything, to give reason to Hiei's passing, to comfort us all…because he's always all right… But no, he can't, because he's gone, now, too, and I miss him so, so much…and Hiei…and how can I ever be expected to replace friends like them?"

She raised her head to look Yuusuke in the eye. "How!? How dare they make me find new friends like them? How dare they!"

Yuusuke shook his head, defeated. Clearly, this was not the first time Keiko had asked such unanswerable questions.

"I don't know…"

"You see?" I whispered. "They miss you."

If I could have any one thing at that moment in time, I would have wanted to know what we were both doing there, specters floating above our friends, above where we belonged. What had possessed us to do the terrible acts we had each done.

I would have wanted to know why we could not have survived.

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_(Keiko)_

I don't think any of my friends know it, but I've always been just a little interested in spiritual things—not Reikai, which comes with the territory when your boyfriend works for the god of the dead, but prayer and religion. I was praying for Kurama's and Hiei's departed souls in front of a small fire that I had sprinkled with special herbs and spices.

I said prayers in my head.

'Please let the dear departed souls of our friends Hiei and Kurama pass into the afterlife placidly and without strife. Please give me and all those suffering from this great loss the strength to continue on with our newly burdened lives.

'Please let Yuusuke alleviate our pain from his shoulders and release the responsibility for making all of us feel better. Please let Kuwabara find peace within himself and dry his eyes with a calm spirit helped by all of us who are his friends. Please let Botan accept that which is truth and find the strength to help our dear friends Hiei and Kurama find peace. Please let Koenma accept that which is truth and let our dear friends Hiei and Kurama pass easily into the afterlife. Please let Yukina stop blaming herself for all things bad which have come from this, and please let her gentle joy return.

'Please let me find truth and be unselfish in receiving aid from our friends, because I do not need comfort most of us all.

'Please, above all else that I have selfishly asked for, let Hiei and Kurama have tranquility from whatever things had been tormenting their souls on Earth, and let them at last be at peace.'

I never would have thought it, but I really, really miss Hiei. I always saw him as the most cold hearted and distant member of Yuusuke's little…crew. I never thought I even really liked him. But now that he's gone, I can't deny it, I really, really miss him. I want him back.

I want Kurama back and I want Hiei back and I want everything to go back to the way it was before.

That's the problem with death, isn't it? Everyone always wants things to go back to the way they were before. Before death, before hate, before everything. But they can't. Not even the god of the dead can turn back time to before.

I wonder what Hiei and Kurama think of all of this. They probably think we're pathetic, sitting here mourning over what's gone and can't be brought back. Crying, crying, unable to stop ourselves. They don't cry. I have never seen Hiei or Kurama cry over anything, not ever. They're strong that way. Maybe it's stupidity that keeps them from crying, maybe it's strength, maybe it's wisdom, but whatever it is, I wish I had it right now. I wish I could dry my eyes and stop drenching Yuusuke's shirt and be strong for once.

"Keiko…"

It takes me awhile to look up. I have to stop myself from choking out another sob before I can look into Yuusuke's eyes.

"Keiko, it's okay to be sad… I'm sad too."

I cling tighter and choke again.

Yuusuke's grip tightened around my shoulders and he leaned his face into my hair.

"I only wish I could cry like you do. But my tears are all gone. My pain has dulled, blunt. I cried earlier on. Yesterday. But not any more. I'm too…tired, I guess. But Keiko, I wish I could cry like you can."

"No, you don't," I manage to get out. "I wish I could be as strong as you are and not cry. You don't want to be like me, Yuusuke, you _don't. _Please don't say you do. It's tearing me up inside." More tears came then, and I buried my face in his neck. "Oh, gods, Yuusuke, I want them back…"

Why can't the god of death turn back time, huh? Why can't Hiei still be here? Why not Kurama? I want before and I want it now!

I miss them so much, and I am so weak…

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_(Yukina)_

"You think we should say something?"

"I don't know what I'd say…"

I hear them say those things all the time. I know they think I'm losing my mind. I used to think I was, too.

Not anymore, though.

Not since my brother visited me.

They all think it strange, and I doubt any of them believe me. I've long since stopped trying to convince them. I don't know that I would believe it, either, and I can't blame them. For a long while, I wasn't sure I believed it, myself.

But I've changed my opinion since…a few days ago, maybe? I don't keep track of time much, anymore.

I was brooding in the garden. I did that far too much. A light breeze washed over me; it had a calming affect on my nerves, being cold as it was. Cold things always calmed me. Due to my origins on Koorime, I suppose is the natural conclusion. The scents of the winter-laced forest blew in and soothed me, carrying a tinge of fresh pine and soft snow.

The snow calmed me most of all, but then, the pine overwhelmed me, and I was reminded of my dear brother. He always smelled pleasantly of pine. Intermingled with the sweet tree scent was another, one that I was most unfamiliar with, but recognized right away.

It was the scent of fire.

A sharp, clear sting, not at all as unpleasant as it sounds. I have no way to describe the scent of fire, you see. It cannot be done. It is almost fruity, in a way, like juicy oranges and bitter lemons. Clean, like water, if you could say water even has its own scent. Sharp, something metallic about it, but without the unpleasant aftertaste. Flowing, most of all; a glorious, sweet, tangy liquid, the most pleasant sensation I have ever come across.

This fire surrounded me, a wondrous, fluid coat, immersing me in a flood of sensation spurred all by a simple smell. Somehow I knew, though I do not know how I did, that this fire smell was being sensed by me, and me alone. Combined with the tang of pine and the cold of snow, the scent was something uniquely and perfectly Hiei, and I loved it, and somehow, I knew. My brother was watching over me, and he had given me this treat because he wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to know he was there.

Somehow he linked the two, and that alone lifted my fallen spirits a bit. More than I suspect he would imagine. Him connecting my happiness to my knowing he was keeping his watch.

I think that must have contributed, at least a little, to their thinking I was going insane. But what they did not appear to realize, perhaps to drowned in their own misery to think clearly, was that sadness and insanity differed, albeit slightly. I was not mad, just depressed. Quite so…

"Hiei-san?" I asked softly. He wasn't there, I sensed, not anymore, but my sorrow could be jumbling my senses. I could be wrong. And if I was, I wanted to tell him something now.

"Hiei, there isn't much for me to say to you, not in just a moment, not without being face-to-face, but I do want to tell you one thing…

"Thank you, my brother."

I smiled.

"…You know what for."

They had to think me mad by now.

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_(Hiei)_

"She loves you, you know."

"I know."

_She loves everyone._

Kurama picked up on the unspoken comment, I thought. But he didn't press it, and for that I was thankful.

She knew I was watching her then. Or, if she didn't know, she hoped, or suspected. The scent of fire had been a dead giveaway, though it had been a few days past. She remembered it as if it had been this very morning. Linking the pine, the snow, and a little of the fire I had tossed into the wind—and how convenient it had been—she had sensed my presence, if only for a moment.

I knew she had.

"Why did you leave her?"

I sighed deeply, tired of the question. Not because Kurama had asked it too many times—no, this was the first, in fact—but because I had asked myself the same thing, over and over, and had come up with no better answer the first time than the last. Yet I continued to ask it, again and again. And I was sick of it by now.

"The same reasons I left you, I suspect."

He smiled, a wistful sort of thing, off into the clouds. "That doesn't answer my question and you know it."

I nodded. Whether he saw me or not, it didn't matter. He knew what I would do, what I would say.

"I was tired of…everything." I could feel it; I was about to pour my heart out to the kitsune, and there was little I could do or say to stop it.

"Tired of being unloved, abandoned by the ones I loved most. Tired of being unwanted. Tired of being thrown off of cliffs. Tired of hearing "that wasn't what I wanted to hear." Tired of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Tired of being wrong."

"So you gave up?"

I snorted. "You read the letter, baka. You know what I said."

He chuckled daintily, behind one hand. "That I did, Hiei. You're right."

"Now you're just patronizing me."

Another laugh, louder this time.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't resist."

"I'll bet."

He outright chortled this time, not bothering to even try and hide it. I barely restrained myself from whacking him on the back of the head.

"Please, don't hurt me," he managed, clearly trying to recover himself. "Just…just a moment…"

He calmed rather quickly after that, and I glared off into the distance.

"So," he began again, holding his stomach in the most subtle of ways—that is, entirely noticeably. "Say, just for a moment, say we were given a chance to be revived."

He paused, and I guessed he waited to see if I would scorn the idea before he even said it, or even leave. I didn't, and he was encouraged.

"Would you do it?"

"Be revived?"

"Yes, would you?"

"No… Why would I?"

He looked off into the vast beyond, watching the clouds spiral by and the winds blow the trees over slightly, letting them brush the roof of the shrine—for we were still there, at the shrine, watching. Long moments passed.

"I think the greater question is, why would you not?"

"Hn."

He paused again, and silence settled over us in waves. Each cresting thrall, I felt sure one of us would speak, but we never did. Silence was my friend. Had been. Was. Remained.

Silence was.

I didn't think of anything, anywhere, anyone. Just let it all wash over me in vivid throbs of quiet.

I slowly came to realize that my companion was speaking.

"…Would you not? I'd think…it would be a wondrous opportunity to remedy such a…terrible error. Such a terrible mistake."

My eyes were downcast of their own accord, and I watched as Yukina knelt before the roses. Yuusuke stood behind her, watching caringly, his arm around his woman, around Keiko. Kuwabara sat on the steps, his head in his hands. The demi-god and his pet were nowhere around.

"It was no mistake…"

"No? Perhaps not," Kurama allowed. "Perhaps it was not. You were in your right mind. I am sorry for such a miscalculation on my part."

My eyes shifted sideways, but my head was still tilted down, and he was looking away, anyway.

"But would you say, now, that it was an error? Something that happened that should not have?"

I would not give the kitsune the satisfaction of being right when I was wrong—not normally—but for some reason, now, I did not mind so much. Not here.

"I guess it was."

Another pause, another lull enveloped us, and I slowly shook my head, clearing the jumbled thought. This was too much to take in all at once, and I didn't like it.

"So…back to the original question…"

"Hm?"

A stalling breath. "Would you take the chance, if given, to revive into the world which you left?"

A mere stalling pause. I didn't answer. Didn't speak. I don't know if I even breathed.

"I believe I would…"

I would do almost anything for my sister. And if it happened to serve the desires of those others down there, well, that was simply unavoidable. But I had not taken into account one simple detail.

I wanted to go back.

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_(Kuwabara)_

"Urameshi!"

"Whaat?"

"I feel…something weird here… I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but it's here and it's following us and it's not very clear… Do you feel it, too?"

Urameshi shrugged me off impatiently. "_No… _Is your reikan acting up on you again?"

"Urameshi!" How offensive of him to say that to me, the most sensitive of the group! I would've tried to start a fight with him if things had been different. "My reikan is _not_ 'acting up!'" Not like I shouldn't have expected it, coming from him, but still…!

Or maybe I'm overreacting. I've done that a few times over the last few weeks. Since…that day. And then since that…other day, I've only done it more.

But something _was_ following me—following us all, and I was worried about it. It was too complicated to be some renegade dead woman chasing me with a knife 'cause she'd gone insane. Too complicated…and maybe there was more than one…

I was worried for my dear Yukina-chan most of all, but I tried to look at the rest of them and worry, too. It kind of worked.

But I couldn't stop worrying for dear Yukina-chan because sometimes, a few times, I heard Hiei's voice carrying through the gardens, speaking to someone else. Then sometimes I would hear Kurama's voice saying things, and they seemed to be answering what I heard Hiei's voice say. I couldn't make much of it, because I only heard little bits and pieces of what they said, but I thought they sounded like they were arguing about something.

Or maybe I was just going crazy. Maybe something would possess me next, and I would kill myself, too.

No way. That was a stupid thought. Stupid and negative. Couldn't think that. That was bad.

I sounded crazy, even to myself.

Yukina was brooding in the gardens; maybe I could go talk to her for awhile.

"Hey Yuki—oh…never mind, I'll just leave…"

She was crying again. Not a lot, but I say some sparkly hiruseiki on the ground, and somehow I knew she had just cried them. She raised her head to look at me, but I had already started to turn around and leave. I only saw her out of the corner of my eye.

"Kazuma-san…please, what were you coming here for?"

She sounded so hopeful… It made me sad, for some reason.

Maybe that was the craziness starting to take over me. I felt sad when other people felt happy, and maybe I would feel happy when I was supposed to feel sad. I could only wait and see, I guess.

"Oh, Yukina-chan, I was just coming to see if you wanted to talk for a little. But I guess you're busy? So I'll…see you later."

"Oh, Kazuma-san, please! It's nothing, really. Come, stay, talk with me."

See, now, here I would normally feel really, really happy. I was getting to talk, alone, with the lovely, wonderful, perfect Yukina-chan. But I couldn't get myself out of feeling sad.

"O-okay…"

She moved to sit on the grass, and patted a spot next to her. "What is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

She sounded so cheerful…I think… Or maybe she was sounding really depressed, and it was just my craziness that made me think she sounded happy.

"Nothing, really, I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk. You know, about…things. About whatever."

Man, I sounded so stupid…

"Kazuma-san, do you believe…"

She trailed off, and I wondered what she had been about to say.

"Believe what?"

"Do you believe my brother watches over me, even in death?"

"Your brother? Oh, right, Hiei." I had been about to call him the Shrimp, but that wouldn't seem right. Not here, not now, not to her.

"Yes, Hiei-san. Do you believe he keeps watching out for me, even from Reikai? Beyond the grave?"

I could tell her now. This was the perfect opportunity to tell her about hearing Hiei's and Kurama's voices.

But for some reason, I didn't.

"I think he'll always watch out for you, whether you want him to or not. It's part of who he is and what he does."

She looked down at the ground and smiled, kind of regretfully. I wondered if there was something she knew about it, about Hiei watching over her, that she wasn't telling me. Looking back on it, I don't know how I could have thought there wasn't.

"Thank you, Kazuma-san."

She went back to meditating on the rock, and I waited a minute before I got up and left.

I still don't know how I could have missed what was staring me right in the face.

Maybe I was just going crazy.

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_(Botan)_

"URAMESHI YUUSUKE, GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"Ahhh, Botan, what'd I do now?"

He didn't do anything, of course. But, like Kuwabara's challenging him to spars we all know will never go on, this is normalcy, and this is saving me from depression of a more…irreversible variety.

Now that he's coming, I need something to blame him for, which is, of course, the problem. There is nothing for which to lay blame. So something must be invented.

I chip a sizable corner off of my oar before he gets over to me.

"LOOK AT THIS!"

"Yeah, I see it, and I didn't do it! You always blame me for everything! I bet _you_ did it, didn't you?"

"Now why in three realms would I do _that? _I bet _you_ were careless with your Rei Gan, you dirty liar! If I get in trouble with Koenma-sama for this, you're going to pay!"

I'll run at him, swinging the broken oar over my head like a…a…banshee with a baseball bat, and hit him as many times as I can before he uses his "super-speed" and runs away.

Oars are easy to replace, and Koenma-sama would never reprimand me for a broken one. It's all an act on my part, of course. Easy, but an act nonetheless.

I burst into tears as I run, the normalcy of it all overwhelming me and tearing at the brittle glass walls I've built up to protect my frailty. The tears blend with the sweat forming on my brow and dripping down my cheeks, though, and no one notices.

No one but me.

This is how it's gone for the last few weeks. Ever since we all got used to—sort of, anyway—the idea that Hiei had permanently left us all. Then when Kurama followed him, the pretending, the façade that had begun to die down? Then it all returned with a vengeance.

I want to hate them, almost. But I don't, not really, no matter how much I pretend. I don't want to, and I can't fake it forever.

I should really have been in Reikai, helping out around with all the new souls that needed collecting. Maybe even tending to Kurama's and Hiei's respective cases. But there were sad Tantei here, and sad Tantei didn't work very much, or very well. Especially when they were all sad over the same thing. At the same time.

I wonder if Hiei and Kurama were watching us. I wonder if they thought we were pathetic.

I would.

It's enough to make a girl wonder why none of us have done anything about it. We all think we're pathetic. We're all starting to hate ourselves, I think. Yet none of us take action. Koenma-sama and I refuse to bite the bullet and go back to Reikai. The others all deny themselves the opportunities that are right in front of them.

I keep telling myself, "Go back tomorrow. I'll go back tomorrow. I'll get Koenma-sama and just _order_ him to go back with me, and we'll go back tomorrow."

It never happens.

The plan and the idea are all well and good, but with no will to carry them out, they serve no purpose.

I'm tired. I don't know how long I can do this. How much more of this damn charade I can take.

Koenma and I comfort each other. Sort of. It doesn't do much, really. The blind leading the blind. He comforts me, but end up spinning some long, fanciful tale that always ends in "happily ever after." I comfort him, but always burst into tears halfway through.

There's not much we can do but that. I can't burden the Tantei with my sorrow, and I won't stop hiding in the bathroom and crying over the sink.

I don't know what more I can do, and I don't know how much longer I can do it.

But still, this false normalcy, this false hatred, it's all there, and I do fake it, no matter how much I don't want to. Because normalcy is saving us all from lunacy, and even bogus normalcy is better than surrendering to the madness.

I'll go back tomorrow.

That's what I tell myself.


	2. Rectifying Fantasy

**Disclaimer: I don't own Yuu Yuu Hakusho. Though I do like the color silver and the non-color black.**

**This chapter is dedicated to Fuzzy Eared for saying that angst was easy, but happy was hard.**

_That Which We Survive_

_Dreamless sleeping both  
Me and you and  
Forcing upon us the  
Weight of the night  
And as such  
Running fleeing tearing losing  
Is forbidden_

--[no title] Kooriya Yui

_Chapter Two: Rectifying Fantasy_

_(Kurama)_

"If we tell Koenma we want to be brought back, do you think they could work it so we could be?"

Fanciful, maybe, but it was my last hope. It would have been, ever since Hiei made me realize how little I had actually wanted to die.

"I don't know."

"I'd think he would, don't you?"

"I'd think there would have to be no doubt in either of our minds that we wanted to go back, in order for it to work."

I mulled that comment over for awhile, and Hiei didn't speak, but continued to watch the goings on below us.

We spent all of our time together now, watching over our friends. We hadn't been anywhere else in the equivalent of three days. Of course, this was not a problem, because none of them ever went anywhere for us to follow. There was no reason that we would have gone away. No reason we would have wanted to.

"So then…you have some doubts?"

He didn't look at me, much less speak.

"You don't know if you want to go back, do you?"

"No, Kurama, no, I don't. I'm not sure. There is still some doubt in my mind. Is that what you want to hear?"

I looked down at the ground, pensively, watching as the garden's current occupants—Keiko and Yuusuke—talked softly, vainly comforting each other.

"The regret doesn't consume you every night, does it?"

He looked at me then, his eyes wide. I watched Keiko and Yuusuke whisper to each other.

"You don't wonder what might have been, do you? If you'd only waited one more day? One more hour, even. If you'd told someone what you were going through. If you'd stopped blaming yourself. What everyone down there must think of you. You don't wonder any of that, do you?"

It was as if we were frozen in time, each one waiting for the other to speak, even knowing all the while that the other was waiting for the same thing, and so nothing would be said. He watched me, and I watched them, and nothing was said.

"…Maybe I want to go back more than I know."

"Maybe." I allowed him the slip under my question, but returned with another.

"Or maybe you miss your sister so much, you want to go back so much, and you want to speak to them all so much, that you can't comprehend. Or maybe you _can_ comprehend, but you simply are not allowed to say."

He doesn't answer me this time, and I am not surprised.

I suspect I am right in my assumptions. Normally I do not like to make assumptions at all, because the world is so unpredictable, but here, I believe I am right, and this is the only way to draw out the truth.

"If that is truth," I begin calmly, business-like, "I—"

"If it is truth," Hiei interrupts me, "then I do not know where my life is headed, and I am in denial. And you know what, Kurama? It is truth. And that is precisely why I do not want to go back."

He wasn't ready, I realize that now. He was in denial, as he told me. I interpreted his unwillingness as distaste for them all, for me, for every one of our friends below who mourned our deaths.

Koenma needed to return to Reikai to speak with us. But he could not, would not. A little of both.

I glided down through the roof then, sat at the table opposite Kuwabara—to the extent that a specter can sit, that is. I sat there and I considered speaking to him. Maybe his mind had cleared enough that he could hear me.

"Kuwabara-kun, are you really so submerged in your own sorrow that you cannot see what is right in front of you?"

His head jerked up and he stared at me, directly at me, or possibly directly through me. I knew then that he had heard my voice, at least; whether he had heard the words or recognized the voice as mine would come later.

"Kurama…" he murmured.

"Kuwabara-kun, are you even alive right now?"

"Kurama, come back…"

He hadn't heard me.

"Kuwabara-kun." I spoke deliberately, slowly, loudly, with simple words. "Tell Koenma. He needs to go back to Reikai. He needs to go now. No more delays. He needs to go today. Now."

He rested his head in his arms and his shoulders quivered. I reached out and touched him.

He jerked up, a tear glittering in his eye, not fallen. My hand rested on, partially in, his back.

"Tell Koenma to go back to Reikai."

He closed his eyes tightly and stood, rubbing his eyes.

I sighed deeply. It had been a good attempt on my part.

Gliding back to Hiei, I looked at him with a slight smile. "Sorry about that."

"Ch."

Apparently, he thought my efforts worthless. At the very least, I had tried all that was in my power.

"Hey, Urameshi. Where's Koenma-sama?"

"Na—?"

I looked down to where Kuwabara was standing, slightly hunched over, talking to Yuusuke, as our friend directed him to the backyard of the shrine.

"Domo."

"Hm."

The carrot top walked in a defeated manner, still bent a bit at the waist. Maybe my efforts had done more than I had originally guessed. Hiei certainly had his eyes trained to his former rival for his sister's care. Rival in a sense, at least. Of sorts.

Oh, but I'm rambling now.

"…to Reikai."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure. I just sensed that you should go back to Reikai. Right now."

I looked down again, at Kuwabara and Koenma, who were talking amicably enough in the backyard. Koenma was holding a folder of messily thrown together papers, and Kuwabara was standing comfortably with his hands in his pockets. They looked normal.

"Did you see Kurama or Hiei? Did they tell you something?"

"Well…I don't know. It's almost like Kurama was speaking to me, but without actually speaking, or being there. Like he was trying to communicate with me telepathically. But that's more Hiei's thing, right?"

"Yes, it is…hm. Well, I'll call Botan and get back to Reikai right away."

"Domo."

"Eh, hai."

Koenma was coming back, and Hiei and I would be judged much sooner than anticipated. Much sooner than if I had done nothing, anyway.

I turned to my friend and found him to be sleeping.

I jostled him. "Hiei, wake up. Koenma's coming back soon, and we'll need to go to the Gate."

"Mph…"

Prodding him again, more forcefully this time, I shook his shoulders. "Come on! Hiei, wake up."

"Kurama…I haven't slept in weeks, thanks to your obsessions with watching them all at night. Not to mention during the day. And at all hours."

My expression was dry, and my tone equally so. "Specters don't need to sleep, Hiei, and you know it."

He yawned anyway, and I laughed.

Grabbing his hand, I rocketed towards the roof, then spiked up at the last second, dragging him behind me. He grumbled slightly, then shook his hand out of mine and tore across the sky beside me, quickly passing me. The race was fun, and we twisted and turned around an unset track, passing each other and me not being bothered by the fact that he was clearly going easy on me.

On one such time, when he was letting me beat him, I stopped and turned around, grinning at him. "Now was that so bad? And I'm doing it on _no_ sleep, remember."

"Kurama," he said, flying up beside me, "I don't understand what that had to do with…with _anything._"

I smirked and lay my head in my hands. "Nothing, really. I just wanted to have a bit of fun."

"Hn."

Hiei rolled over, the equivalent of onto his stomach, and carefully tore open a portal to Reikai. Gliding through, he reached back a hand to me, and, surprised, albeit grateful, I took it and followed him.

Coming out in midair, we both plummeted to the ground faster than expected, but thankfully, instinct took over and we both landed in graceful crouches, me with one hand on the ground, Hiei with both hands out to the side.

Righting ourselves, we walked solemnly down one of the many long, narrow stretches of land that made up the networks of walkways in Reikai. Headed for the Gate, I knew my expression was at least a little false, and wondered if Hiei's was the same, or perhaps he really didn't care.

A long line twisted down the walkway, starting at Koenma's door. Youkai and ningen and oni alike were standing there, bored and tired—sort of—waiting for the return of the Reikai prince. Hiei and I took our places at the end, and waited.

An hour later, the line started to move. Not forward, as would have been preferable, but rippling, as each person turned to speak to the man behind him.

The words worked their way up to us, slowly, due to the number of people getting the words wrong and repeating them. Finally, the ningen before us turned and spoke slowly, reciting what he had heard.

"Pass this on back until it reaches someone named Hiei and someone name Kaira. Tell—"

The woman behind the ningen slapped his head sharply, pulling his form in a 180 and snapping in his face.

"That's _Kurama,_ you idiot, not 'Kaira.'"

The man turned back around, his eyes half-lidded, and droned on again. Hiei and I looked at each other curiously.

"Pass this on back until it reaches someone named Hiei and someone name Kurama. Tell them to skip the line and move to the front. Prince Koenma wishes their immediate presence."

Hiei smirked, and I smiled kindly. "Thank you."

The man tilted his head. "Do you know them?"

Hiei laughed shortly. "We _are_ them, yaro."

He and I walked down the line, me carefully averting my gaze from the waiting souls, Hiei walking with the slightest flaunt in his step.

We rapped on the door.

"Yeah?"

"I believe—" I began, but Hiei pushed me aside slightly and moved up to the loudspeaker.

"Open up. Hiei and Kurama here to see Koenma."

Shuffling was heard.

"_Now._"

The doors opened, closing as he and I stepped through.

Oni bustled around frantically, pushing papers here and there, and a pretty ferry girl approached us through the madness.

"I am Ayame," she said softly. "Please, come this way."

Oni cleared a path for her, and she lead us to another large set of doors.

"Please, wait here. Koenma-sama will be with you shortly."

She phased through a nearby wall, and we waited.

And waited.

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_(Koenma)_

I was back.

I had been back for hours.

I almost opened the door.

I sat back down in my chair.

I waited.

I almost opened the door.

I waited.

"Sir?"

Jorge was wringing a cloth in his hands. I wondered, briefly, what it was, and where he'd gotten it. It didn't matter, though. Not really.

"What is it?"

"Sir, you've been about to open the door five times now, and Hiei and Kurama are waiting outside to come in. Would you like for me to open it?"

I sighed deeply, waving my hand. "Yes, yes, Jorge, open it."

What I wasn't prepared for, however, was when he did open it.

Hiei and Kurama were standing there, side by side, talking quietly. As the door opened, they looked up at me. Kurama smiled, and Hiei glared.

That was normal, I told myself. Hiei didn't like _anybody. _Except, possibly, Kurama and Yukina, but that was…different. Because…they were his friends.

My reasoning couldn't have been weaker, but I was too distracted to notice.

"Koenma-sama, I believe you have a decision to make?" Kurama said softly, breaking through the tense silence. I jerked my head up, staring ahead blankly.

"Oh, yes, well…that… Right."

Hiei was bored, Kurama was confused, but understanding, and I was…well, I'm not quite sure what I was.

So I took things on the only way I knew how.

"Well," I began, strictly business, "obviously there's no chance of you two going to Purgatory, or anything like it, what with your records as Tantei and all you've done to help Yuusuke. So the question is, how quickly can we get you to the realm of the dead."

"Koenma-sama, I have the question."

"Yes, Kurama?" I asked, not really looking at him, but catching up on the week's paperwork. Stamp, stamp, stamp, stamp…

"If we were to attempt to come back to the realm of the living—to be revived. How would such a request be handled by Reikai?"

I stopped the paperwork then, looking up at him in shock, slack jawed and bug eyed. "Well," I stuttered, "no…no one's ever…that is, I mean, suicide is the—the final frontier, and we've never…what I'm trying to say is…that we never… I mean…why do you ask?"

Hiei took over at this point, impatient and short tempered as he was. "Isn't it obvious? We're interested in…coming back."

Kurama smiled at him.

"You _are?_" I asked, shocked.

"_Yes,_ that _is_ what we've been saying."

"Well, I don't know…"

"What would be the problem that might prevent it from happening?"

That had to have been Kurama, but I wasn't really certain. My vision had gone blurry as I continued stamping. Stamp, stamp, stamp…

"Well," I blustered, coming up with ways to phrase the reasoning (which wasn't really reasoning at all), "no suicide cases have ever come to Reikai and asked to be revived. Very few cases ask to be revived at all, in fact, except a few adults here and there, and some rebellious teenagers.

"Suicide is the final frontier—"

"Yes, you said that already. Get to the point."

That had to be Hiei. Impatient with me as always.

"—and it's very difficult to revive a suicide case. I've tried it once before—the participant was unwilling, I admit, but still, he was a classic case—and believe me, it's very unlikely that it'll work. Even if the one who committed the…act believes they want revival, there's still always a lingering doubt of a sort. There can be none of that. Absolutely none."

"We are certain. What, then, is the problem with that?"

Kurama again.

Stamp, stamp, stamp…

"You may _think_ you're certain, but are you really? If I were to question you, to ask you one more time, are you _sure_ this is what you want, would there be any resistance in the pits of your heart? Any at all?"

Kurama was about to speak again, I heard him begin, but then he stopped.

I looked up. Hiei had flung his arm out, across Kurama's chest, in an unmistakable signal to stand down.

"Give us a minute outside to talk this over."

I nodded. "Why don't you take this room? I'll leave, and it's no problem to send the oni away."

Hiei shook his head. "Outside."

"Very well…"

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_(Hiei)_

"Worried about surveillance, are you?"

"It's a thief's instinct and you know it. I'm surprised you weren't worried about it, too."

Kurama smiled and laughed a bit, behind one hand. "Well, maybe just a little…"

I faced him somberly. He looked down at me and started a bit, curious at why I was so serious.

"What is it, Hiei?"

I took a breath. "I need you to convince me that I want to go back."

"What…?"

I waved him off. "You know I have some doubts. I can't have any at all. Right now, I want to go back, and it's overshadowing my fear of facing my sister, and of going back at all, but I do have some lingering doubts, and if they are so forefront in my mind, then they will cause problems."

Kurama sighed, sitting down on the walkway where we sat, letting his legs dangle over the edge. He looked down into the abyss of eternity.

I sat beside him and dropped a stone. The ripples were formed of nothingness, and I wondered where they had come from.

He looked so downtrodden, so miserable…and somehow, I sensed it was my fault…

What I did, what I said, whether I liked it or not, affected people who cared about me, and likewise, people I cared about. And Kurama, also whether I liked it or not, did like me and care about me, and truly, I cared about him, as well. The ripples formed of the nothingness that was my soul, they spread out around me and affected the people I had let within range, within the walls.

Maybe the vast nothingness we looked down upon was just a collection of souls, of poor, stupid people like us who had made a poor, stupid mistake, who hadn't been able to take it back, because life doesn't give second chances. Second chances are cheating in the game, and there is no cheating in this game. It is not allowed.

"Do you think they took care of our bodies? Put them somewhere where they would be unharmed? Didn't bury them?"

His eyes glittered again, and the tears hadn't fallen yet. I felt my gaze soften. Pity.

"After more than a full month? I would think they'd have done something with mine. Yours, I'm not so sure…maybe they didn't bury yours." Maybe they were, are, still suffering from delusions and they think you'll come back. Maybe they aren't delusions anymore, but how would they know that? Yet they continue to hope, to pray… I hear them pray…

"I went to visit our bodies, you know," he said softly. "They aren't buried."

If he knew this, and yet he had still asked me, then there had to be a greater reason for it. He was leading up to something.

"Koenma and Botan have been careful with them. Treating them. Keeping them preserved. Using reiki in special ways."

Why…?

"They want us back, Hiei. If they've been preserving your body for over a month, ever since you did kill yourself, they had to have had a hope that you would come back. They've been hoping for weeks and weeks, and now their dream can come true.

"Your sister prays at your body's side, you know. She leaves flowers there and prays for hours. That is…when she isn't crying…"

He smiled at me, a sad sort of thing, and I felt the last traces of my unwillingness begin to fade. "You would deny your sister the greatest gift you can give? You can give her brother back, Hiei. You can save him. You can make her happy again, you can make her smile. I've seen her. She hasn't smiled once in over a month.

"You can fix all that, Hiei. You can make life worth living again, for her."

I took a breath, and made a decision. Something I had to tell him, because I didn't know if I would ever have the chance or the courage to do it at any time but now…

"You know what, kitsune?" I asked softly, dropping the sort of nickname I liked to use to remind him of his youkai nature. As if he needed any reminding. "I…I was scared of dying."

He looked at me, obviously surprised, and I didn't look back except to see him out of the corner of my eye for an instant.

I knew what he was thinking. It was obvious.

'He was scared…? But why?'

I would tell him, then.

"I was scared that I would lose all my memory of you, of Yukina, of Yuusuke, Kuwabara, and all the rest… Of the life I had built up for myself after all these years, through all this hardship, and suddenly, it would be like I hadn't lost anything at all, because I had never really had it anyway. I would forget my past and abandon any chances I had for a future, because I forgot all of you, and I didn't want that.

"But…life just wasn't worth it…"

It all sounded so stupid as I said it aloud. I wondered briefly how something that could have made so much sense in my head, a mere month ago, could now sound so ridiculous and nonsensical. I knew dead souls didn't lose any memories—we had Yuusuke as proof of that. Twofold, in fact. Yet the nonsense had reared its frighteningly eerie head and I had been afraid of it, but it was not in my nature to succumb to fear.

Now that I think about it, that's probably why I killed myself in the first place.

I had never stopped doing something, or not done it at all, because of fear. It was like some sort of addiction. I couldn't face fear and not confront and overcome it. It was simply not possible.

The inability to lose myself to fear had always been my ally, and suddenly it had become my undoing. A cruelly ironic joke of divine proportions.

"Hiei…you don't need me to help you convince yourself, do you?" Kurama chuckled softly. "No, you've done it yourself, now. And everything is going to be alright. Isn't it?"

"Hm?"

I paused before I answered. Everything was going to be alright now, wasn't it? Kurama's great question.

For all his bravery in the face of the unknown, for all his refusal to submit to his stupid, stupid mistake, for all his steady assuredness…

Kurama was afraid.

Kurama was unsure.

I was unsure, as well.

But now, with one, simple, short word, I could convince him and myself both that everything, finally, was going to be alright.

I smiled.

"Yes."

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_(Third Person)_

Hiei and Kurama stepped back through the gateway and entered the arching doorways to Koenma's office. The little demi-god was sitting at his desk—in his teenage form, of course (this was official Tantei business, after all)—holding two pieces of paper, his many stamps and an ink pad laid out before him.

Jorge was listening at the door, but it was so thick that he couldn't hear anything going on inside. Or, at least, he wouldn't have been able to, even if anything actually had been going on, which there wasn't.

Not yet, anyway.

Koenma stared at the two youkai before him with a scrutinizing gaze that would have made lesser men submit, fearful that he could read their very souls. Hiei and Kurama, however, merely tolerated it.

"You're both certain, then?" he asked finally.

Kurama nodded. Hiei looked at him, as if for reassurance, and nodded as well.

"Very well…"

The life recovery stamp was an often unused one, dusty and old in its own right. Koenma slapped it to the red ink and tapped each of their respective papers. He hit a buzzer under the desk.

Jorge bustled in and snatched up the papers, rushing back out into the hall and closing the doors behind him.

"Now," Koenma said, business-like again, "as you may know, this is a delicate procedure. Kurama, it's quite unlike your movement to Minamino Shuuichi's body, and you'd do best not to assume that they will be similar in any way.

"As you may also know, we—that is, Botan and I—had been keeping your bodies preserved, in the hopes that you would, by some miraculous change of mind, wish to come back enough that this life recovery could run smoothly. Both options were unlikely, of course, but we are both very, very happy to see that they will have a chance of coming true."

"Get to the business," Hiei grumbled. "How is this going to work?"

Kurama smiled. "Yes, Koenma-sama, if you please; what are we two going to need to do?"

"Yes, yes, about that," Koenma said, obviously a slight bit flustered. "You'll both need to be over your bodies at a specific time, and, as you may also know, someone you know needs to…um, well…that is…kiss you."

Hiei glared. "Is that a problem?"

_Of course,_ though Koenma. _They're youkai. Kissing isn't a big deal for them. They'd let someone down there…_

Amazed at his lapse in judgment, Koenma nodded, cutting off his thoughts before they got too racy. "The only difficulty with that is that you need to tell someone down there that you need them to kiss you. The easiest way is through dreams, but you'll need to contact them within two hours, if you want this to move quickly. Strangely enough, your two wavelengths, Hiei, will align only one half hour away from when yours will, Kurama, and a two hour time limit will revive you two at approximately the same time. Within a half hour, that is."

"They won't be sleeping for some time," Kurama said to Hiei. "It's morning. They all woke up not too long ago."

Hiei nodded. "You contacted Kuwabara easily enough while he was awake," he pointed out. "It shouldn't be much of a problem to contact him again."

"True…" Kurama said slowly, "but who do we want to kiss us?"

Hiei looked down at the floor, pondering the possibilities. "Do either of you have problems viewing incest?" he asked finally.

Kurama and Koenma shook their heads, Koenma a bit more reluctantly.

"Yukina."

"Perfect."

"Wait, wait," said Kurama suddenly. "The question is, will Yukina-chan be as easily contacted as Kuwabara-kun?"

Koenma blinked. "Why is that an issue? Why can't you just contact Kuwabara, save yourself the trouble of trying to contact a new person?"

Kurama shook his head. "Kuwabara-kun is infatuated with Yukina-chan. I would be worried that he wouldn't give her the order to kiss two corpses, even if it was to revive us."

"Oh, yeah…"

"We have to try."

Kurama looked down at Hiei with an air of surprise. "Why, Hiei, I never knew you to be so supporting," he teased. Hiei glared.

"The question, though, is should you or I be the one to contact her?"

"I would suggest Hiei," said Koenma thoughtfully. Kurama nodded.

"I'd have to agree."

Hiei stared at them both blankly, and Kurama wondered if he had drawn the same conclusion and was just being vague, or if he was honestly in the dark.

"…Because you're her bro—"

"I _know,_ kitsune," Hiei interrupted him, waving his hand and annoyance gracing his expression. Kurama smiled sheepishly.

"The time, gentlemen," Koenma said briskly, "is now. Hiei, god speed. Botan will assist you on your return trip."

Hiei groaned softly, and Kurama laughed. Even Koenma snuck in a little smile. The little fire apparition got up and walked out the door, shoulders back and head raised in a defiant pose, meant to illustrate to Botan just who was in charge here.

Kurama smiled and took a slight breath.

"Koenma-sama," he said in a rush, "may I please, please be allowed to travel back to Ningenkai _with_ Hiei?"

"If you run," Koenma said, smirking. Kurama was out of his seat and down the hall in two seconds flat.

Maybe things would work out alright, after all.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_(Kurama)_

"Botan-chan!"

The blue-haired ferry girl turned with a perky smile. Truthfully, her overbearing happiness sometimes got on my nerves a bit, and her flying left something to be desired, but this was my only way back.

"Aa, Kurama-kun?" she asked cheerfully. I shuddered a little.

"Botan-chan, would you please be kind enough to take me back to Ningenkai with Hiei and yourself? I would rather like to watch the others, you see, and, of course, hear Hiei speak to Yukina. And if my assistance would be needed, I'd not like to be far behind."

She nodded, a bouncy motion. "Sure thing, Kurama-kun! Hop on!"

Hiei looked back at me with a mixture of thanks and absolute lack of understanding, presumably for why I would willingly go for a ride on Botan's oar with her. I only smiled and shrugged.

The ride was not without thrills, of course. Botan is, and I suspect always has been, rather over-fond of loop-the-loops, and today was no exception. She twirled us through a nearby gate to Ningenkai, and when we emerged, she warned us that we were two kilometers from Genkai's temple.

I thought I might throw up.

The ride was excruciatingly long, but eventually, it did end, and I did not throw up. My legs shaking slightly, I instinctively grasped Hiei's shoulder for balance, and he looked back at me distastefully.

"Sorry," I murmured, sitting on the ground. "Give me a minute."

Hiei rolled his eyes and turned to Botan. "You can leave now," he growled, more a direction that an offer.

"Well!" she said huffily, "I can tell when I'm not wanted!"

"And yet you spend so much time with us," Hiei muttered under his breath as Botan sashayed away. I laughed softly.

Standing, I took Hiei's shoulder and guided him through the wall of the house to where Yukina sat, talking to Kuwabara. Taking a breath, the smaller demon walked over to Yukina and placed his hand on—and partially in—her back.

She gasped. Kuwabara clasped her hand and asked her what was wrong, and I, sensing problems with Hiei's task, went over to Kuwabara and laid a hand on and in his back.

"Don't worry," I said clearly. "He won't hurt her. We won't hurt you. We want your help."

Leaving my hand in Kuwabara, I looked up to focus better on what Hiei was saying. I smiled at the soft look in my friend's eyes.

"…Kurama and me. Once each. On our mouths. One half hour from now. If you do, we will both be revived.

"Please do this for us, Yukina-neechan. I'm so sorry for not telling you I was your brother. I'm so sorry I got us all into this mess. Please help me make it right again."

Withdrawing his hand, Hiei looked over to me. "Ready?"

I smiled and nodded. The two of us walked outside.

Koenma's face was illuminated in the sky. "Very good. I believe she got the message," he said calmly. "In one half hour, I advise each of you to be close to your bodies. Best of luck."

As the image faded away, I looked down at Hiei. "Let's go, then. We can talk until the half hour is up, I suppose."

"Hn."

Padding silently (which was not very difficult, as we had no mass to make noise with) to the room where their bodies had been lying for the last few weeks—one for me, five for Hiei—we sat against the far wall, facing ourselves.

"This is quite odd, isn't it? Sitting here watching ourselves."

Hiei nodded slightly. "Kurama…"

"Hm?"

"When I told you about my reasons for choosing death over life…"

I nodded, and only slightly noticed, out of the very corner of my eye, when our bodies began to glow a faint gold. Either I hadn't noticed Koenma and he was already gone, he had found a way to become invisible, or he had found a way to prepare our bodies from Reikai. Any way it had happened, I didn't really care. We were ready.

Technically.

"What did you think of me?"

I blinked. His was a question that would require more thought than a simple, "I thought as much," which, incidentally, I had, after awhile.

"I thought…" I began, thinking as I spoke. "I thought you were right, for one thing. I thought, you don't ever submit to fear, or at least, I've never seen you do it, and it would be difficult for me to imagine you doing so. I thought you were right about it being an asset in the past and your undoing now.

"But I thought, also, that maybe in a way, you were touching on why I did the same thing."

Hiei looked at me strangely, and I held up a hand.

"No, no, hear me out. I think you didn't directly give the reasons I killed myself, but you did help me figure it out. You said that overcoming fear was like an addiction, didn't you? Well, to me, the addiction wasn't overcoming fear. Thinking about it now, it wasn't really an addiction at all. It was my last line of defense.

"I'm over a thousand years old, Hiei. I've had to see my friends and allies die time and time again, and I think…I think I was just tired of it. I didn't want to see it happen again. I didn't want to deal with it. And then it did, and I did, and I just couldn't…I simply could not cope with that loss again.

"I…was weak…and in my moment of weakness, fear and hatred of having to do that again…having to deal with that one more time…the fear and the hate, they were just too much…and I couldn't… I couldn't do it…"

My hand clenched the fabric of my pants and I choked slightly. I was on the verge of tears, I could feel it, but then something miraculous happened.

Hiei laid his hand atop mine and squeezed lightly, just a little bit. I looked over at him, shocked beyond words, and he returned my astonishment with an understanding gaze.

"I think we've all had that, Kurama. If the world ran on emotion, there wouldn't be anyone left. And sometimes, one time is just too many, and you just get pushed a little too far." He smiled then, a tiny thing, barely there, but I saw it. "You're over a thousand years old. You've been putting up with this crap for longer than anyone I know. Hell if I know how you've been doing it and managed not to kill yourself 'till now, but you have." The smiled widened the slightest bit. "You've got an excuse."

I recognized the dark little attempt at humor, and I laughed.

"Thanks, Hiei."

We waited another minute, just looked at our bodies without really seeing them, because there was simply too much to think about, but then a lone voice of reason broke through my stupor.

"It's been thirty-five minutes, Kurama."

I didn't know Hiei had been keeping track of time.

"Yukina should be here soon."

"Yeah…"

I smiled at him once more.

"Hey."

He looked at me, and my smile became a little more sincere.

"Thanks, Hiei."

He smiled, too.

"Thank you, Kurama."

Yukina walked slowly into the room.

"…I think we're even."

He smiled again, and I wondered why he had never done it before.

"Yeah."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_(Third Person)_

Yukina walked over to Hiei's and Kurama's bodies and looked down at them gently.

"I don't know why," she whispered, "but you chose me to give your message to, and I thank you for putting so much trust in me. I only hope I'm not too late."

Hiei and Kurama stood, side by side, behind Yukina and between their two bodies, and looked at her kindly.

Yukina knelt beside the tatami where Kurama lay and held back her own bangs. Remembering everything Keiko had told her about reviving Yuusuke with her kiss, she carefully and lightly pressed her lips to his, and was surprised when she felt the body was warm.

Keiko had said that she had kissed Yuusuke for nearly ten seconds, and though Yukina didn't know if all ten were necessary, she and Keiko both thought it best not to risk any less.

She timed it carefully. Leaning away then, she looked down, more than hopeful, slightly fearful, slightly quivering.

A long minute passed. Kurama blinked his closed eyes.

Yukina breathed a loud sigh of relief and knelt, hugging Kurama tightly.

"Thank the gods you're alright! Oh, thank the gods…I don't know what we would have done…thank the gods, Kurama-kun…"

He opened his eyes then, and looked down at Yukina, splayed across his chest. He smiled.

"Thank you, Yukina-chan."

She looked up through damp eyes, tears threatening to fall. Kurama touched her cheek.

"Don't cry, Yukina-chan. There's nothing to cry about. I'm here, and in one half hour—less five minutes—Hiei will be, too." He smiled over a small laugh. "Plus, if you cried in my presence, and it was my fault, Hiei would kill me."

She laughed aloud, but couldn't keep one small tear from falling.

"Hiei won't kill you if I tell him not to, will he?"

"No," he said through a smile. Only slightly fake.

Slightly.

Half an hour of talking passed. If you could even called it that.

Yukina rambled on about how much they had both been missed, and Kurama told her a much edited version of why he had done what he had done, careful not to mention the words "death" or "suicide." By the end of the time, she was so convinced that everything would be alright again that Kurama had even begun to believe the others would take it so well. He nearly slapped himself more than once for thinking such a thing.

"Oh! It's been half an hour already? Time passed so quickly!"

Kurama smiled, again. Slightly fake, again.

Yukina smiled, again. Didn't notice him, again.

Kurama didn't mind. Maybe it was for the best if she didn't see his falseness and question it. Because she would question it.

He didn't want that just then.

He watched the kiss with glazed over eyes, awaiting Hiei's spirit's return to his physical body.

Awaiting…

Waiting…

"What's wrong?" Yukina asked, tearing up again. "Why hasn't he come back? You would be back by now. What went wrong? What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing," Kurama answered her absently, facing the place he had last seen Hiei's spirit standing.

"Hiei," he said, speaking to apparent nothingness that he was sure—hoped—was his friend.

"Hiei, you have to banish the doubt.

"It wasn't your fault. You had to overcome the fear. It was in your heart, your soul, yourself. You had to overcome that fear of dying, and now, Hiei, now that you have, it's okay again. You need to come back, Hiei. Yukina misses you. I miss you—it's been a mere half hour and already I miss you—and don't forget the others. Kuwabara, Yuusuke, Keiko, Koenma, Botan, they all want you alive again. We all want you back."

He took a breath then, and bared his soul.

"Remember how you and I agreed it would all be okay again? Hiei? Remember how I was afraid? Remember? You…Hiei, you banished that fear, and that is why I stand here today, right now.

"We all want you back, Hiei. We need you, but more than that, much more than that…we want you back because we miss you.

"Please come back to us, Hiei. Banish your doubts and return to us, because we miss you, and we need you."

Yukina cried, then. A hiruseiki fell to the floor.

"_I_ need you…"

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_(Hiei)_

"Do you think they'll ever accept it for what it is?"

"There's still time, you know. Another twenty minutes. It could all be alright again, still."

I shook my head. "No. The fear, the doubt, it's all too strong in me. I could never cast it all out. Not really."

"Hiei…I think you're making a big, big mistake."

"Hn." I smiled sadly at their shaking bodies as they cried into each other's shoulders. "I do, too."

"So why not fix it, right here, right now?"

"You don't listen, do you? I told you. I can't. It can't be done."

I turned to my companion. "I tried, you know. You do know that, don't you?"

"I do, but…Hiei…"

"It…can't be helped."

I sat down on nothingness and looked down at my friend and my sister.

"You will tell them for me…won't you?"

"You can tell them yourself."

"…Need you, but more than that, much more than that…we want you back because we miss you."

"Hm?"

Kurama was speaking to me. Not directly, for I was no longer there.

Kurama was speaking to me.

"Please come back to us, Hiei. Banish your doubts and return to us, because we miss you, and we need you."

"Oh…?" I shook my head. "It can't be… It can't be, they'd never alluded to it before, but…do they really want me… Do they really do want me back…?"

The revelation was sudden, and I was unprepared. The walls all came crashing down, and suddenly, I wanted only one thing in all the worlds.

I wanted to hold my sister in my arms.

I wanted to tell her everything would be alright.

"Eh?"

Then my body was moving of its own accord, tugging itself gently down, down, down… Koenma smiled and waved at me, bidding a fond farewell ("Until next time!")… The sky was fading, and I was surrounded by something colorless, and absence of any and all light…then…

"Na…ni…?"

Yukina looked up, raising her head from Kurama's shoulder, blinking back more tears, more…

"H-Hi…Hiei…kun…?"

Kurama was looking over his shoulder, disbelief written clearly all over his face.

I sat up slowly, moving my long-unused arms and legs in an effort to balance.

The disbelief changed to a kind smile.

"Yukina-chan…?"

"Hiei-kun!"

Yukina tore herself from her melted position on the floor and flung her body into my arms, grasping my shoulders and burying her head in my chest. I looked down at her in confusion.

"Hiei-kun, I missed you so much! Oniisan, I missed you, I missed you…thanks the gods that you're back… Thank you so much…"

Kurama's eyes closed and he lay back against the wall, slowly drifting off to sleep. The smiled never left his face, and I knew he would be dreaming of life.

I lay back against the tatami with my sister cradled in my arms.

Something told me, none of us would be moving that night.

"Yukina-chan…?" I whispered softly, stroking her hair with one hand. An awkward angle, but I didn't care.

_I was so blind…_

"Imouto…"

_You really do love me…_

"Everything will be alright…"

_And everything will be alright…_

_Owari_

**So how bad was the ending? Bad, I know. But I never end angst with happiness, and, courtesy of Fuzzy Eared, I demanded that I give it a shot. Not that this is "happy," but…lemme alone, I don't do happy.**

**Well, anyway, because I feel I need to explain myself for…my own benefit…yeah, that.**

**Remember, way back when, in _Red Moon,_ in Hiei's letter, he told Yukina that the only reason people kept him around was to use him? And that his life had no purpose? Well, guess what. Everything will be alright now because Hiei has finally realized [via Kurama and the lengthy discussions earlier on in this fic, and watching the Tantei and company stumbling around in his wake] that people do, contrary to what he may think and what they may say, care about him. Most of all, that Yukina really does love him, and she really was just confused.**

**Remember, way back when, that the biggest underlying reason that Hiei killed himself was that he thought Yukina hated him? That's why the ending…is the ending.**

**The End.**


End file.
